The Ugly Duckling

There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds in so many words said
Oi! (Get out of town!)
Oi mush! (Get out!)
Yeah, you! (Get out!)
Move your aris (Get out of town!)

And he went with a quack
And a waddle and a quack
And a flurry of eiderdown

There he went, waddle waddle
All on his Jack Jones
And he didn't half have the hump

That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But every place they said to his face
Here, do us a favour (Get out of here!)
Cor, what a prawn (Get out!)
Cop the boat race! (Get out!)
I can't stand it! (Get out of here!)

And he went with a waddle and a quack
And a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear [?]

Off he toddled all on his own
Wondering if he was using the wrong soap or something
Anyway the big old boy struck again

All through the winter time
He hid himself away
And ashamed to show his face
Afraid what others might say

All through the winter time
In his lonely clump of weeds
Until a flock of swans did spy him there
And very soon agreed
(You're a very fine swan indeed!)

Who you calling a swan cocker?
Now turn it in otherwise I shall be compelled to hang one on your
beak! So the top man of the swans said "Now play the game, son,
use your brains,
take a look at yourself in the reflection of
the lake and you'll find that you are a swan."

So he did. Lo and behold, he said "You are in order! Look at me,
I am a swan. And don't I look delightful?
Look at my new white whistle and flute, TERRIFIC!"

I'm not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words went
Cor, the best in town!
Look at that! (The best!)
What a mover! (The best!)
Got a bit of guv'nor! (The best!)
(The best in town!)
Not a quack not a whack
Nor a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head held noble and high! (And a head held noble and high!)
Say who's an ugly duckling
Not I

Now then, I think I'll nip down the road and give some of these
dinners a bit of GBH, in the parson's nose.
There's one over there now, hold up. Oi! Who's a pretty boy now then?
Look at that dolly swan over there!
I think I'll go and blow down her ear,
take her down the lake, once or twice spin her round there...