Babies

[00:06.38] Philadelphia wow thank you thank you so much wow wow
[00:17.15] This is awkward actually have no material prepared
[00:19.89] I just booked this venue for this date
[00:23.42] And I'll now have an act by then I don't
[00:27.04] Ah No it's going to be really good I have one prepared which is really convenient because were filming and everything ah so let's begin
[00:35.28] I turn 30 years old this year.
[00:37.96] Yes it's been a good year
[00:41.53] I have found this year to be the year a lot of my friends have begun getting serious about their lives
[00:46.93] they call me up they say serious things
[00:48.78] They're be like Aziz, you're not to believe it I just had a baby and I always have the same reaction I always go hahahahaha-ha
[00:59.55] that sucks
[01:02.25] I'm so sorry that happened
[01:04.07] why were you not using condoms or birth-control
[01:07.73] you're going to have to take care that thing forever
[01:10.41] alright well I'll talk to you later
[01:12.21] I got to go do literally anything I want cause
[01:14.94] I don't have a baby. So all my options are still options
[01:23.96] Hate those phone calls and also those emails to friends send these emails to attach a photo of the baby the right something to welcome the baby
[01:32.12] Hey everyone welcome Lindsey to the universe
[01:39.32] I always write back unsubscribe
[01:43.83] Yeah I don't recall signing up for this mailing list
[01:48.31] Please remove me from all future updates
[01:51.07] Know if you excuse me on Going to throw your baby in my trash
[01:58.22] And now everybody has videocameras on their phone and everything so you get videos of the baby's
[02:02.83] Every single video I got is exactly the same thing thought
[02:05.53] Kid shows up on the screen
[02:06.48] Ah ah ah umm umm
[02:09.15] End of clip that's the amazing footage they needed to share with everyone
[02:12.80] Brian's first steps
[02:16.34] Look I walk all the time I'm not impressed
[02:20.89] I'm going to start sending my own clips back look at the shit
[02:25.37] Brian has nothing on this
[02:27.19] he has no swagger in his step
[02:28.99] He almost fell down after three steps
[02:30.70] Meanwhile I'm running advanced shit I can high step I can run if I want too I can even tiptoeing behind Brian and push him on the ground and then step on him with my next step
[02:38.93] so that's how advanced as my shit is
[02:43.47] Some of these people are not ready to have kids either
[02:46.16] You know you ever have friends like that are about to have kids you're like what no they're dumb why
[02:53.36] I have a friend he got married recently he's kind of a goofball I asked him hey your not going to have kids are you
[02:57.81] Maybe next year I was like dude you still have a chain wallet
[03:03.24] You can't have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time
[03:06.02] ah if your wallet is causing you so much problem you have to chain it to your person
[03:11.47] you're not ready to bring life into the world
[03:15.01] if you go to like pay for the baby with a chain wallet they should be like oh no no no no we got to put this one back whoop
[03:23.15] I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility
[03:25.88] "If someone came up to me with a baby like, 'Hey, you've gotta look out for this baby,' I'd be like, 'Sorry, I've got my own things going on right now. I don't have time to look out for this little brown baby.' In this scenario I'm assuming it's a little Indian baby. If it was a white baby I'd be like, 'Get that thing away from me! It's disgusting!' White babies are gross, man! I'm sorry! They're like regular babies that aren't ripe yet.
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