Mom Condoms

I give my mom a lot of credit
She uh, she had to do a lot of weird shit
Ya know? She had to- like my mom
had to buy me condoms (crowd laughter)
I feel like that's a dad's job and I- I never
had a dad, but I assume that's like the dad's job
Like in my head, uh I- I would get condoms from my dad is we would be
having a catch, and then all of a sudden a huge box of condoms would
appear and he'd be like "Go long!
" and he would throw it and I would catch it
And like... I don't know I don't have a
dad so I assume that's how it goes down
I'll tell you how it's not supposed to go down
Uh I got home from school and I was like a sophomore in high school
And my mom was like "Hey I left a little present for you on your bed"
(Crowd laughter) I was very excited
I was like "Oh my God! perhaps its sneakers!"
I was very- there's endless possibilities
It could be DVSs, those were hot at the time
It could've been a million things
I get up there, it's a 50 pack of condoms
Every variety, every brand
And I just wanted to be like "Mom,
who the fuck do you think your son is?"
(Crowd laughter) Like I never even brought a friend home
Like what made you think I was out there slinging pussy?
I hang out with you every night
Do you wanna fuck me?
Do you wanna fuck me mom? No, let's fuck I'm mad now