I'm a hypochondriac.

I'm a hypochondriac
Uh, I am a psycho I'm very crazy
I know I'm crazy
So like its kinda okay, but its really not (crowd laughter)
Ya know? Like I wake up every day and
I'm like "I have not been arrested yet "
And I'm like "Good job" (crowd laughter)
I'm a hypochondriac I always worry about my dick I don't
know about anybody else, but I'm always worried about my dick
How about you?
(points to a guy) You always worried about your dick dude?
It's good? Well aren't you the most fucking confident man in the world
Huh fuckin Mr. Delsekys over there (crowd laughter)
Hey, you ever worry about your dick? Nah I'm fine man
Ah fuck you dude
I was like (laughs) I actually never
heard in my life "my dick is perfect"
I always worry about my dick
I always freak out, for no reason
Like um here's- here's how I thought that you could get something
Like uh, I'm sure every guy could relate to this,
this ruins my day whenever it happens,
whenever I have to take a shit in a public place
And my dick touches the toilet seat, it ruins my day immediately
I'm like "Oh my God I just got everything in this place"
My dick just starts like coiling
back like it knows what it did, it's all-
I'm like "No Fuck you"
I actually told my doctor that once
I was like "Before you take a look,
I think I know what it is" (crowd laughter)
I'm like "You ever take a shit at a McDonalds and your dick
touches the toilet seat? I think that's where I got that from"
And he's like "That's not possible"
And I was like "Well you're the doctor, I'm just trying to help"