Me 'N' Opie (Down By The Duck Pond)

Well, it looks like it's twelve-midnight, ladies and gentlemen.
Is that right? Y'all know what that means:
It's time to tell you the true story,
All about the lost episode of The Andy Griffith Show.
It's a particularly heinous story about drug abuse
And sexual deviance. Looks like it's right up your alley.

Don't tell Andy, don't tell Aunt Bee
They will come a-lookin' for Opie and me
Tell 'em we're dead or tell 'em we're gone
Me and Opie down by the duck pond

Well, Goober brought down some homegrown "hay"
It whomped me up the side the head, I never felt that way
Aunt Bee said we'd be in dutch
If the sheriff ever caught us smokin' that stuff

So don't tell Andy, don't tell Aunt Bee
They will come a-lookin' for Opie and me
Tell 'em we're dead or tell 'em we're gone
Me and Opie down by the duck pond

I heard a little holler down in the woods
Sounded like someone saying, 'Mm mm good!"
I move a little closer, sneaking just like a squirrel
Otis was slurpin' up his favorite girl

Otis said, "Boys, come sit by the still
I'll pour you up a jar of that famous swill
If you can't walk, don't worry no way
Light that pipe and pass it my way"

Don't tell Andy, don't tell Aunt Bee
They will come a-lookin' for Opie and me
Tell 'em we're dead or tell 'em we're gone
Me and Opie down by the duck pond

I had to dodge a rock that was hittin' the tree
Out of the swamp came Ernest T.
Gold tooth a-flashing as he hit that pipe
Out of the blue came Barney Fife

Well now Barney come down to nip that still
Waving an axe, a lawman's thrill
"Ope, don't smoke, you'll turn yourself green
Get me up a cup and I'll show you what I mean"

Well don't tell Andy, don't tell Aunt Bee
They will come a-lookin' for Opie and me
Tell 'em we're dead or tell 'em we're gone
Me and Opie down by the duck pond

We all sat there for most of the night
Trying to figure out our left from our right
Here comes Andy and ol' Aunt Bee
Scoldin' the hell out of Opie and Me

So don't tell Andy, don't tell Aunt Bee
They will come a-lookin' for Opie and me
Tell 'em we're dead or tell 'em we're gone
Me and Opie down by the duck pond