Love Is If You've Never Thought Of Suicide
๐ต 3181 characters
โฑ๏ธ 4:59 duration
๐ ID: 16529867
๐ Lyrics
applause
Alright, yes.
If you are in here tonight, and you have never contemplated suicide -
Then you have never truly been in love.
And if you in here tonight and you've never contemplated murder -
Then you've never been divorced.
It is the worst thing I have ever been through in my life, I would rather be the majority stockholder in a chain of Alec Baldwin daycare centers
with Britney Spears as CEO, man.
And here was my mistake: after my last comedy special, I said "God - give me a new idea for a new comedy special" and God went:
"You're getting divorced"
So, turns out you gotta get a lot more fuckin' specific when you talk to God, alright?
Yeah, don't just give God a blank slate and let Him run with that.
I filed for divorce on June 6th, '06.
666, yes. Which, coincidentally, turned my ex into a demon slithering from the fiery depths of Satan's anus.
But for legal reasons I have to call her Kate.
And I knew - I knew things were weird, I knew they were weird, ya know - we were together 15 years and things started going kinda sideways 17 years ago.
Cause she had one of those families - and if you're dating someone right now and you've met their family, and their family is waaaaacked
And you think "Oh that's okay - they're the good one" - hahahaha hahahaha hahahahaha ha ha hahahaha
Then you are mentally ill, okay? Cause they are not the good one. They are like a psycho, Tylenol gel cap, man.
Tick tock, tick tock, crazy's coming!
Aw, her family, Irish Catholic. Autistic.
But not the happy, special ones - the real mean ones, ya know?
"Hey we're gonna fight then we're gonna drink, then we're gonna drink then fight, you wanna fight and drink, what, what, what, what?"
Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block, we've all driven past it: a bunch of people living there, too old to be kids but never gonna be adults.
You can tell that by the "Arrowsmith rockz" banner in the living room window.
Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times. The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours.
You can tell the family's doubled their networth, cause they've parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway.
The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops cause hell, they're gonna be there anyway.
And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood - you live in this house in your neighborhood.
Haha.
Why do we stay with these people? We've all done it. We've all stayed with a nightmare. Why do we stay with these
life-sucking vampires, man? These soul-sucking humps that just drag you through psychological barbed wire day, after day, and year, after year, till at the end of the relationship all that's left of you is an empty shell full of hate and fear!
By the way, do not look at the person you are with, right now.
It's a bad time to glance over.
I have to warn you about tonight's show - tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it.
And either way, you're welcome. Yes. Yes, Happy Valentine's day. Yes.
There are some things I'm gonna bring up later that you're gonna wanna go "AHA!!"
Don't do it! Stay right here, okay? Right here. Don't look at them.
Alright, yes.
If you are in here tonight, and you have never contemplated suicide -
Then you have never truly been in love.
And if you in here tonight and you've never contemplated murder -
Then you've never been divorced.
It is the worst thing I have ever been through in my life, I would rather be the majority stockholder in a chain of Alec Baldwin daycare centers
with Britney Spears as CEO, man.
And here was my mistake: after my last comedy special, I said "God - give me a new idea for a new comedy special" and God went:
"You're getting divorced"
So, turns out you gotta get a lot more fuckin' specific when you talk to God, alright?
Yeah, don't just give God a blank slate and let Him run with that.
I filed for divorce on June 6th, '06.
666, yes. Which, coincidentally, turned my ex into a demon slithering from the fiery depths of Satan's anus.
But for legal reasons I have to call her Kate.
And I knew - I knew things were weird, I knew they were weird, ya know - we were together 15 years and things started going kinda sideways 17 years ago.
Cause she had one of those families - and if you're dating someone right now and you've met their family, and their family is waaaaacked
And you think "Oh that's okay - they're the good one" - hahahaha hahahaha hahahahaha ha ha hahahaha
Then you are mentally ill, okay? Cause they are not the good one. They are like a psycho, Tylenol gel cap, man.
Tick tock, tick tock, crazy's coming!
Aw, her family, Irish Catholic. Autistic.
But not the happy, special ones - the real mean ones, ya know?
"Hey we're gonna fight then we're gonna drink, then we're gonna drink then fight, you wanna fight and drink, what, what, what, what?"
Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block, we've all driven past it: a bunch of people living there, too old to be kids but never gonna be adults.
You can tell that by the "Arrowsmith rockz" banner in the living room window.
Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times. The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours.
You can tell the family's doubled their networth, cause they've parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway.
The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops cause hell, they're gonna be there anyway.
And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood - you live in this house in your neighborhood.
Haha.
Why do we stay with these people? We've all done it. We've all stayed with a nightmare. Why do we stay with these
life-sucking vampires, man? These soul-sucking humps that just drag you through psychological barbed wire day, after day, and year, after year, till at the end of the relationship all that's left of you is an empty shell full of hate and fear!
By the way, do not look at the person you are with, right now.
It's a bad time to glance over.
I have to warn you about tonight's show - tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it.
And either way, you're welcome. Yes. Yes, Happy Valentine's day. Yes.
There are some things I'm gonna bring up later that you're gonna wanna go "AHA!!"
Don't do it! Stay right here, okay? Right here. Don't look at them.