Illegal Criminal Crimes (Against The Law)

Step One
Blame the absent
It was your predecessor's fault
(By the way, that's not going to be effective in Japan)

Step Two
Blame the lawyers
Produce copies of all their okays
Just don't produce the memos where you told them what to say

Step Three
Invoke the yuppie Nuremberg defense
Talk about your mortgage, your family, your daughter at Yale
Remember: you're just plain folks

There are things we don't know that we don't know
And there are things we don't know we know
And things we know and
Things we know that we don't know.

Step Four
Look for a technical angle
There's almost nothing that can't be blamed
On teenage Pakistani hackers

Step Five
You did it because you're an addict
Sex, booze, gambling, whatever
F. Scott Fitzgerald was wrong
There's nothing but second acts in American life

Step Six
Try saying something like
"Now is the time for reflection, not for retribution."
Do not flinch when you say this. Never flinch!

Step Seven
When all else fails, call a press conference
Grasp both sides of the podium, stand tall
Take a deep breath, look into the cameras and admit
That you

Had bad information