the wait of silence

Look
I been juggling thoughts
I been hugging my cross
At times I struggle to talk
I get puzzled and lost
At times I tussle in heart
Still everything that happened grieving him
Dark days from light affliction
Where's the happy medium?
I'm rushing the course
At times I question the source
Transparency ain't been easy
At times I muscle and force
Trauma coupled with pain
At times make couples divorce
Women ain't never the blame
Men ain't no better of course
My mental health been declining
I sought an outlet for help
I started therapy and verily I'm proud of myself, yeah
I'm fighting for my sanity
I'm tryna be a better man
I'm tryna cling to the King and hop on team Coretta van
If purity ain't in this temple
God ain't settle in
The devil tryn tempt you, make yo heart cold, don't let em in
You gotta feed yo spirit
Read the letter man
Omega and Alpha? bet
Absorbing every letter man
The weight of silence, yeah
Lately I been struggling to carry
The weight of silence, okay
I been juggling thoughts
Ain't been hugging my cross
At times I struggle with lust
I get lonely and sauced
Told my community pray that God'll bring me on course
But lately my feelings for God been more resent than remorse
Tryna repent for my pride
I admit I endorsed
The narrative that maybe God don't really care
I was looking for His hand and not His heart, let me be fair
Tried to control Him with my tears, versus trusting he's aware
And whatever He decide to do is best for me
I could never be my own God, respectfully
We should never lead our own lives, especially
When you know the heart is tainted and so easily we've fainted, not acquainted with
The weight of silence, yeah
Lately I been struggling to carry
The weight of silence, but hey
I been juggling thoughts
Throwing paint at a canvas
Anger is just an emotion I'm tryna learn how to manage
My first session amazing, but quick, was reading my manners
Heard me speak a few words and said "I can see you've been damaged, but
I'm here to help you unpack the dark moments you erase."
I don't want to love too hard to be broken, but I don't want hate either and make em feel I'm not open
I'm wondering like..
There has to be a neutral place
Should you share heart with every heart that you embrace?
Should you publicize what's said and done in the secret place?
Is there any room for fear in love?
I pray we all find healing and we learn to be okay with the weight of silence
I think you should pray for me, maybe
I promise to pray for you daily
I don't know your pain
You don't know my pain
I know everything ain't been gravy
It's okay to not be okay, see
I don't know your pain
You don't know my pain, (I think)
I think you should pray for me, maybe (I promise)
I promise to pray for you daily, (I don't know)
I don't know your pain, (You don't)
You don't know my pain, (I know)
I know everything ain't been gravy, (It's okay)
It's okay to not be okay, see (See I don't)
I don't know your pain (You don't know)
You don't know my pain
(audible dialogue)