I Am the Funniest Person on Earth

I am the funniest
Person on Earth
So I've been told
A hundred times
And I'm the prettiest
Girl in the universe
You aren't hearing it from me first
It's been passed down for so long it transcends time

I am the wittiest
Human today
I've heard it all
A million times
And oh god, I'm brilliant
Or so they say
You'll watch them write, I paved the way
For being broke and dating douchebags 'til I died

In his house, most likely
Bleeding out on his couch
They'll try it all to ditch the stain
But it won't come out
Would you love me if I cut my hair
And cross-stitched up my mouth?
It's a joke!
I am known for being the funniest girl around

I am the funniest
Person on Earth
It's made the news
At least four times
'Cuz everything's a goddamn joke when I get hurt
I'd break my bones to make you laugh at me
I'd kill myself to be just what you like

In your house, most likely
Skin-to-skin on your couch
Make my pornstar face
And be the talk of the town
Will you love me if I change my name
And parrot how she sounds?
It's a joke!
I am known for being the funniest

I am known for being the funniest
I am just so goddamn funny
Look, the whole world's laughing with me
I am known for being the funniest girl around