The Man I Pretend To Be

They say I'm strong, say I'm calm, say I've got my shit in line
But they don't see the panic tucked behind this smile of mine
They hear my jokes and think I'm good, think I'm clear and free
But I'm still trying to outrun the man inside of me
I play the part, I hit my marks, I drink, I nod, I grin
But there's a version of me screaming just beneath the skin
You love the light, I live in shade and every laugh I fake, it's pain
I'm not the man I pretend to be, the one you trust, the one you see
Behind this face there's fear and fire, a broken engine dressed in wire
I shake alone, I bleed in peace, I hide the parts I can't release
You see the smile, not the plea, I'm not the man I pretend to be
I've been the rock for people lost but no one knows I'm cracked
I've been the hero holding guns with nightmares on my back
They see a fighter, I feel small they think I stand, they never saw the fall
I prayed for silence, begged for noise, lied with grace and wore the poise
But late at night when lights go dim, I barely recognize him
I'm not the man I pretend to be, the one who always says I'm fine and then leaves
I built a house from smoke and stone but it ain't a home when you're alone
There's a version of me no one meets, buried deep beneath these beads
You see control, I see debris, I'm not the man I pretend to be
You ever lie so well
You start to forget your life?
Yeah, me too
I'm not the man I pretend to be, I'm just tired and hot in me
But if you ever saw the cracks, would you still love me after that?
I ain't proud but I'm still breathing, still here, still barely believing
That someday maybe you'll just see not who I should, but who I need to be