Talking Thunderbird Wine Blues

Well, one of the funniest things I ever heard
Was when a friend of mine said
"Man, let's get some Thunderbird."
I said, "What's that?" He just started to grin
Slobbered on his shirt and his eyes got dim
He said, "You got fifty-nine cents?"
I said, "Yeah, I got a dollar, but don't be a smart aleck
'Cause I ain't gonna spend it on some Indian relic."
He said, "Thunderbird's not an old Indian trinket
It's a wine, man, you take it home and drink it."
I said, "It sure don't sound like wine to me."
And he said he'd bet me the change from my dollar
Well, we hustled on down to the nearest U-totem
The guy wanted my I.D., I whipped her out and showed him
Then he got a green bottle from the freezin' vault
My friend started doin' backward somersaults
Through the cottage cheese
Well, we took it back to his house, started drinkin'
Pretty soon I set in to thinkin'
"Man, this Thunderbird tastes yum, yum, yummy
I know it's doin' good things to my tum, tum, tummy."
That's the way you reason when you're on that crap
Well, we got a few more bottles and we chugged 'em down
Pretty soon I pulled myself up off the ground
Decided I'd go see my dear sweet wife
Who met me at the door with a carving knife
Said, "Get them damn grape peels from between your teeth."
I said, "Darlin', those aren't grape peels, that's toilet paper
And you'll never believe why I've been eatin' toilet paper."
Well, I could see we were gonna have a little misunderstandin'
Said, "Dear, I better get in touch with you later."
She said, "Forget it, man, you're never touchin' me again."
But now I've seen the light and I've heard the word
And I'm stayin' away from that old dirty Thunderbird
Message come from Heaven, radiant and fine
And now all I drink is communion wine
Six days a week