Apex Predator

[00:00.58] I'm saying we need a tune-up, people
[00:02.88] Currently, right now, we are the softest, fattest, most self-
[00:05.10] Centered beings on the planet and those are the people I like
[00:09.53] We are drug-addicted and porn-consumed, airbagged and bubble-
[00:12.57] Wrapped, overfed but undernourished, on anti-psychotics
[00:15.56] But still crazier than Gary Busey on bath salts in Florida
[00:20.56] Everybody
[00:23.11] Everybody's got an allergy or an ailment or a
[00:25.44] Syndrome or a word you can't use in the workplace
[00:29.72] We are narcissistic and tripolar now
[00:34.07] Tripolar, that's when you have two voices in your
[00:35.91] Head that argue about who they think you are
[00:40.15] And they make medication for it but
[00:41.88] It makes you shit your liver, sorry
[00:44.93] It's a side effect
[00:49.59] We need a tune-up, we need a tune-up, man
[00:51.05] And I know I'm making fun of us right now
[00:52.46] I know I'm making fun of human beings right now
[00:53.91] You know, 'cause we're in a bad place
[00:55.18] But the other side of us is amazing, the
[00:57.37] Things we've come up with were incredible
[00:59.59] We are the baddest-ass species to ever walk this planet, man
[01:03.41] That's why we are the apex predator, my God
[01:05.80] We survived the Ice Age 'cause we used our
[01:07.72] Big brains and we invented hot chocolate
[01:11.89] I'm not a scientist
[01:15.86] When the Black Plague threatened to wipe us out—I'm not talking about
[01:20.12] Civil rights—what I'm talking about is the plague that swept through
[01:24.53] Europe—and I'm not talking about the French—what I'm talking about...
[01:31.15] But we got smart, we started coughing into our
[01:33.70] Sleeves, we stopped wiping boogers on our friends
[01:36.41] We stopped making cheeseburgers from the dead
[01:44.04] We are the only animal that thinks about the
[01:45.80] Future, no other animal thinks about the future
[01:47.54] We're the only animal that thinks about the future, that's it
[01:50.52] That's why we invented vaccines, no other animal came up with vaccines
[01:53.97] You don't see the dogs getting together, "Guys, this parvo thing is
[01:56.61] Really jacking us up, uh... Everybody kick in a T-bone for a research
[01:59.33] Grant, I think we'll be cool, you know, maybe we can make some more
[02:02.02] Money by selling T-shirts, I know we all hate wearing T-shirts"
[02:07.83] And these vaccines are incredible, we've eradicated horrible
[02:10.41] Diseases with these vaccines and sure, these vaccines
[02:13.04] May or may not cause autism but you gotta break a few eggs
[02:24.48] We invented airplanes, that's metal that flies!
[02:30.41] And those planes get where they're going, most of the time
[02:34.38] If they stay out of Russian airspace
[02:38.68] Alright, I got another one
[02:42.55] Those planes get where they're going, most of the time
[02:45.04] If we can locate them
[02:49.49] Yeah, you do realize that we just kinda forgot
[02:52.04] About 300 people that went down in the ocean, right?
[02:55.71] Yeah, we looked for 'em for three months but the NFL's
[02:57.79] Starting a new season, fuck it, we gotta move on, sorry
[02:59.95] Sorry, sorry, we gave it a shot
[03:02.42] We gave it a shot
[03:07.62] We're amazing and what bothers me about us right now is
[03:09.84] That we're all so smart yet we're waiting for other people
[03:12.08] To invent shit for us to buy, that's what bothers me the
[03:14.34] Most, right, and all of us are smart enough to invent it
[03:16.98] You know, we even forgot about the cool stuff we already own
[03:18.84] Cars? Cars are the coolest thing in the
[03:20.94] World and they only kill 40,000 people a year
[03:24.29] In a country of 400 million, I will roll those dice
[03:28.49] Currently, I'm more afraid of the safety devices in my car
[03:30.45] My new car has 11 airbags around me
[03:34.74] I'm afraid I'm gonna get in a bad accident
[03:36.41] Everyone's gonna pop it once and I'm gonna suffocate
[03:39.73] "Ah! Oh my God, did you hear Titus died in a horrible car wreck?"
[03:50.86] "What happened to him?"
[03:51.45] "Nothing, not a mark on him, nothing"
[03:58.15] The new Mercedes S-Class will drive itself up to 31 miles an hour
[04:02.80] How great is that gonna be when you're drunk leaving the club?
[04:12.06] You could sleep through a two-hour low-speed police chase
[04:26.21] Cops finally get the car pulled over, knock knock knock, "Ah!
[04:34.69] Ugh! Oh... It wasn't me. The car is German, it's very arrogant"
[04:49.16] We are so smart, we're such an amazing species
[04:51.78] We think of stuff we don't need
[04:53.07] We think at an atomic level
[04:54.42] We invented the atomic bomb, a horrible device, but it
[04:57.32] Stopped World War II and it inspired the Japanese to destroy
[05:00.17] Our economy and our culture by inventing the PlayStation
[05:05.36] We're amazing, people, we are amazing
[05:07.04] The stuff we've invented, the stuff we've come up with, we're amazing
[05:09.46] That's why we're the apex predator
[05:10.61] And the even cooler thing about it is that we're easily killed
[05:13.46] That we invented all this cool stuff
[05:14.98] And we're killed so easy? That's crazy
[05:16.47] You don't think we're killed easy? Okay, have one too many
[05:19.15] Tequilas tonight, you will be high-fiving Jesus in the morning
[05:22.93] And that's plant-based
[05:24.34] Bump your head in that little, what? That soft
[05:26.50] Spot right there with 40 pounds of pressure, boom!
[05:28.88] All you muscle guys that are mad about the joke early
[05:30.94] "Can't kill me, I'm the human specimen," bring it on
[05:33.29] All I gotta do is wipe some fresh poop on a sharp
[05:35.73] Stick, poke you really hard, two days later, dead
[05:41.38] Christopher Titus, budget assassin
[05:53.21]