You're A Bastard

You're a B-A-S-T-A-R-D
(What does that spell?)
Remember that tank top I bought you?
(Yes, you wrote "I'm a tosspot" on it)
I took you shopping Saturday morning
(You made me wear a bonnet)
I got you to hitch your knees up
(And pull my cheeks apart)
I took a great big box brownie camera
(And you shoved it up my arse)
Because you're a bastard
I'd do anything for you
Look, you're a bastard
And you're a bastard too
I rubbed an ice cube on your cods
(I knew there was summat amiss)
I said your clothes were sexy
(You did, but you were taking the piss)
I said, "I've only got a pound"
(I said, "Don't worry, I come cheaply")
I promised to put you on the cover of a magazine
(Yes, you would, and would you weekly?)
Because you're a bastard
I'd do anything for you
Look, you're a bastard
And you're a bastard too
You're a ba-
You're a ba-
You're a ba-
You're a ba-
You're a ba-
You're a ba-
You're a bastard
No, I'm not
Yes, you are
No, I'm not
Yes, you are
No, I'm not
Yes, you are
No, I'm not
Yes, you are
Because you're going home in a fucking ambulance