Seek & Destroy

I remember growing up, I used to always fuss at my dad for driving too
Slow. Not long ago, I'm out watering the lawn, I yelled at somebody
For driving down the street too fast... and it was my dad. That's the
Way it happens, I mean, getting older just sneaks up on you. I mean
One day you're cool, next day you're in Sears staring at Sanzabelt
Slacks going, "Ooh, I bet those babies are comfortable. Super stretch
Waistband." One day you're in a Firebird driving 90 miles an hour
Jamming to Led Zeppelin, next day you're in a minivan singing, "Hey
Diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon
Everybody, come on!" I'll tell you when it hit me I was getting
Older. My wife and I went to see the Eagles in concert last summer
The Eagles were great, but you could tell the people that had grown
Up on this music were getting on up there, 'cause as soon as the
Lights went down, I was going, "I smell Bengay. Somebody snuck Bengay
In here." People had thermoses going, "It's Metamucil, take a hit
Pass it down." I mean, the whole world just changes on you. Like
They did a show not long ago about kids taking guns to school. Guns
To school? We used to take frogs to school! You take a frog to school
Now, somebody'd shoot it. Hell, when I was in high school, a drive-
By shooting meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car
Window. Got a few mooners in the crowd. Were you good? I was all-
State my senior year. Wasn't mooning a great sport? Nobody ever got
Hurt, you didn't have to be in shape to play. Hell, the fatter you
Were, the more you brought to the window. We were high-tech mooners
Too. We used to play this game called seek and destroy. What we'd do
We'd get my dad's Chrysler with the electric windows. I would drive
My code name was Mother Hen. My two best friends, Bomber One and
Bomber Two, would be in the back seat with their pants to their
Ankles. We'd go up and down the interstate all afternoon. "Bomber
One to Mother Hen, come in Mother Hen." "This is Mother Hen, go ahead
Bomber One." "I ask request permission to fire on a '77 Ford Galaxy
In the left-hand lane." "Permission granted, Bomber One, do you
Prefer to press or hang?" "Seek permission to hang, Mother Hen." "
Lowering left rear bomb hatch now. Lock, load, fire when ready. Oh
Perfect hit! They're in the ditch! They're in the ditch! Granny is
Out of the car and clutching her chest. Return to home base." Why
Was it such a thrill to make somebody look at your butt? You know
'Cause it always took them a few seconds to realize just what they
Were looking at. You come up on a church bus, you could just work
Your way right down that thing. And it was always funny when you were
Mooning people, it wasn't nearly as funny when somebody mooned your
Mother. I was in the tenth grade one afternoon, Mom and
I are sitting at a red light, a car pulled up next to us
With a pressed ham against the passenger window. She
Thought it was my Uncle Luddie. He got a haircut, he looks
Good, doesn't he? Man, you guys are a great crowd here