Grief Instilled

It was 2010 when I first processed death
My heart skipped a beat and I choked in my breath
When your cousin shrugged and told me you unexpectedly passed on
From an unknown illness, would you have expected me
To be at your funeral? I would have been had I known
It stirs in me still and the feeling has only grown
The mystery of what your future held keeps me awake
Sometimes I dream about my friends lifeless at their wakes

This must be grieving instilled in me
I will be molded by death before reach
How much longer can I stare into crosses?
I'm cutting blessings and counting losses

Is this my chance to get closer to God
Testing faith I don't have?
All that I can do is sympathize
Sympathize, sympathize
Is this what I get for my thoughts not being set
On a higher plane, just deepening human pain?

And just like that, you're forgotten
Your family internalizes the hurt
All legacies are idealizations
Time will move on without you and I will too

I should get comfortable with you leaving...
I feel tremendous guilt as well as being...
On this earth and not inside a casket...
So my thoughts won't race and I'll stop asking

Who will come next?
Who will come next?
Who will come next?
Who will come next?