The Ballad of Dirty Joe

Out upon the briny deep, where the wild and wet winds blow
There lived a cruel and evil man, the pirate Dirty Joe

He sailed upon the scummiest craft that ever left the docks
He roamed the world and seven seas in search of dirty socks

He wore a scratchy, scraggly beard and had but one good eye
And with a tattered piece of sail, his oily hair he'd tie
Hook for an arm? Oh yes, that too. He found it very handy
For picking in between his teeth to get out sticky candy

His one good eye surveyed the sea searching for some ship
And when he spied a boat out there, he'd sneer and lick his lips
"All hands on deck," he'd order, "there's treasure to be had!"
He'd shake his one fist in the air and laugh like he were mad
Fire a cannon, cross the bow, board the other craft
Make the crew take off their shoes, and with a horrid laugh
He tied the sailors all up tight and robbed them of their socks
And left their ship a-floundering to run up on the rocks

The socks he took from other ships, you'll be surprised to learn
He hung upon his rigging lines that stretched from bow to stern
They flapped and fluttered in the breeze, five hundred little flags
And the smell that those old socks gave off was enough to make you gag
From China to the Ivory Coast, Australia up to Spain
The pirate did his dirty work across the bounding main
You could always tell a boat Joe robbed by looking at the crew
For fear was deep within their eyes, and all their toes were blue

Till one day as he sailed his ship somewhere near Mandalay
His lookout spied another boat beating 'cross the bay
"Aha!" said Joe, "We'll get that boat!
We'll catch 'em now, by thunder!
For sure as I'm Dirty Joe, there's socks there we can plunder!"
The pirates cheered and set their sails to catch up with their prey
They sharpened up their swords and
Knives, the boat danced in the spray

But suddenly the cheering stopped, the wind, it gave a moan
For on the other boat there flew a flag of skull and bone
And from mast to mast, from bow to stern, flying everywhere
There flapped and snapped five hundred pairs of pilfered underwear
Boxers big and boxers small, with stripes and polka dots
And tighty-whities hung there too, like the ones your grandpa's got
And lined up on the other deck, armed with swords and knives
Was a sight that made the men all shake and fear for their own lives

One hundred pirate women waved their daggers and their swords
And a woman pirate captain yelled, "Girls, let's climb aboard!"
"It's Stinky Annie," someone said, "and her band of smelly varmints!
She captures every boat she can and takes their undergarments!"
"Then all is lost," another said, "we don't have a chance!
You can't be a pirate if you don't have underpants!"

"Yo, lily-livered lumps of lard," lashed out Dirty Joe
"What sort of pirates are you lads? That's what I want to know!
We'll show them! We'll take their boat! We'll tie them up!" he roared
"We'll take their socks and their
Sneakers too and throw them overboard!"
The pirates there with Dirty Joe screamed and cheered and yelled
Someone blew a whistle, someone rang a bell
And as the boats drew closer still, the pirates cursed and muttered
While a thousand pair of underwear and socks all flapped and fluttered

Finally the two boats met, on the waves they rocked
"Get 'em now, boys!" Joe cried out, "take off all their socks!"
But even as the men attacked the women waiting there
Stinky Anne called to her crew, "Girls, get their underwear!"

It was an awful battle, a loud and raucous fray
At first it seemed that Dirty Joe might win and have his way
But then Joe's first mate noticed that Stinky Annie's crew
All were fighting barefoot, they had no socks or shoes
"What's the point?" another said, "Why make all this fuss?
If we can't get their dirty socks, what's in it for us?"
"No!" said Joe, "Don't give up now!" but he spoke the words too late
And Stinky Annie and her crew quickly sealed their fate

Stinky Annie climbed aboard, she cornered Dirty Joe
She said, "I want your boxers now, in case you didn't know."
Dirty Joe looked up and said, "Before you have your fun
Your face looks quite familiar, you remind me of someone."
Stinky Annie lowered her sword, they peered at one another
"Wait," she said, "I see it now, you're Joe, my little brother!"
"That's right," said Joe, "you're sister
Anne, you bounced me on your knee
Put down your sword, give up this fight, pray, don't do this to me!"

Stinky Annie gave a smile,A tear came to her eye

All her crew looked on in awe

They'd never seen her cry
"Little Joey, how are you?" she said
"How have you been?"
"I'm just fine, dear sister Anne," Joe said

And gave a grin
"Good," said Annie. "That's just great"
Her one eye shone and danced
"Now do just what I say, you squirt
I want your underpants"
"But Annie, you're my sister," Joe blubbered and he whined
"Can it, Joey," Annie said
"I haven't got the time

Just because we're family doesn't mean I care
I'm a pirate, that's my job
I want the underwear"

So Dirty Joe surrendered and did what his sister said
And when he did, it's safe to say more than his face was red
Stinky Annie sailed away and still she roams the seas
With her brother's boxers high above flapping in the breeze
Dirty Joe, he sailed home close to the Bay of Fundy
He's not a pirate anymore because he has no undies

That's the finish of this tale, it's stupid and it's done
But there's a lesson here I'd impart to everyone
If you've got an older sister, then I feel bad for you
For just as long as she's alive, she'll tell you what to do