Too Much Stuff

It all started so innocently
With a gift for my birthday when I was just three

Someone got me my own Snoopy doll
Then Linus and Lucy, I had to have them all

I made it my mission to collect all the Peanuts
With Charlie Brown missing, it was driving me nuts!
Collection complete, breathed a sigh of relief
But I had to have more... (Oh, good grief!)
Thirty years later, I can't stop acquiring

Retail therapy can be quite inspiring

I grab these great things, take them back to my place
And they occupy every last square inch of space
At flea markets, you can find lawn ornaments
And at discount stores like Everything's Nine Cents
Eight seasons of Wings all on VHS?
At these prices, who wouldn't say yes? (Yes!)
At Goodwill, I nicked Greatest Hits by Styx
At garage sales, you can find so many great picks
Some second-hand trousers not worn since the '80s
Put 'em on and I'm like, "Hey, ladies!" (Ooh, grody!)

I scour the junkyards, it gives me such pleasure
To dive in a dumpster and find a new treasure
Taking junk off the street to you might seem brash

All I say is I love trash! (Trash!)
It's a drag when people nag me about all the stuff I snag and save
But I still brag about my awesome swag
Like old 4-H ribbons, used license plate tags
And I keep them in packages, boxes, and bags
I've saved everything that I've ever owned
And in my home, I have to move big piles around
Just to answer the phone, so because I never throw anything away
My life has become a George Carlin cliché!

I got too much stuff! (I fail at file)
I got too much stuff! (And I have for a while)
I say I don't have the time, but now you're calling my bluff
Cleaning up is a pain when you've got too much stuff!

The other day, playing with a new prize
While sitting on some books on how to organize

A camera crew busted in and started to get ill
Led by Dr. Phil, who got all up in my grill
"Now, Luke, we can see you're a compulsive hoarder
Who suffers from excessive compulsive disorder

This goes way beyond being a clutterbug
You've got three feet of vinyls beneath your throw rug

Your chronic disorganization is a symptom..."
Yeah, whatever, check out all my action figures of The Simpsons

All lined up in order, oh, don't you just love it?
I could recreate 300 and have them fight
The Muppets! (This is Sparta, yeah!)
"You need to reduce the amount of
Possessions that you don't need or use

Like this box of last decade's old phone bills from college"
Hey, you never know, I still might need that knowledge!
"Your difficulty discarding has got to give
And your complex sorting strategy is too elaborative
You over-categorize in a cumbersome way"
And I was like, "Uh... what the hell did he say?"
"Before you run off to your next convention

Pay attention, 'cause this here is an intervention
And I should mention that most think that you're a lazy slob

And it's the job of me and my mom to rob you of each last thingamabob"
Hey, you, leave all that alone!
Do I take your grade school bowling trophies out of your home?
I know where everything is in my makeshift storage areas
Like keeping my federal tax returns inside these cat carriers (Meow!)
It's all sentimental to me, it's meant to be
I consider my stuff the source of my identity
To be complete, I gotta keep it, can't you see?
I'm down with OCD... yeah, you know me!

I got too much stuff! (But I'm doing just fine)
I got too much stuff! (Don't touch that, it's mine!)
Try to take it away and things are gonna get rough
'Cause I'm snippy if you try to take my too much stuff!

I'm a pack rat, I got vast stacks full of knick-knacks
A hat rack with a brack hat full of apple jacks
An anorak, almanac, bummer rack

And an original Masters of the Universe attack track
Hey, stand back! You can't have that, are you wack?

Check my Cracker Jack flak jacket with a matching backpack
An eight-track of Love Shack sung by Jack Black
And a postcard... from my Uncle Travel Matt!
I'm a victim of my own creativity, I don't wanna be wasteful
It's my responsibility to the planet to be green, isn't it keen?
That's why I have broods of toilet paper tubes in my washing machine
Here's a box of old TV Guides with varying Star Trek covers
Like Seven of Nine, Dax, and DePaul with her hot pointy ears
"Have you even looked at these in the past five years?"
Well, no, but at con dealer tables

I've seen them for sale as collector value-ables
I'll put 'em on eBay, I'm sure that they'll sell
Oh God, maybe I do need help! (Ha ha)
Wait a smidge, what's this in the fridge?
Junk mail from A1 Storage, ask for Midge?
Twenty trips in my car back and forth oughta do it

My stuff could all live in a new storage unit! (Unit)
Plenty of spaces in several sizes
So I don't have to curb my acquiring vices
I can continue to live in denial for a monthly fee
That's for me, I'm finally free!
Out of sight, out of mind, it won't happen again
Now I gotta hit Walmart, it opens at ten
Transformers 2 sucks more than you can all fathom
But the toys just came out and I just gotta have 'em!

Pathetic fools, there is no escape!
I got too much stuff! (Empty boxes of Eggo)
I got too much stuff! (All of my childhood LEGO)
If you give me some guff, I'll knock you out and you're duff
Because I'll never have enough, I got too much stuff!
I got too much stuff! (Must cats and fruit legs)
I got too much stuff! (Ancient Easter eggs)

You can huff and you can puff
And you can act really gruff
If you don't like it, that's tough, I got too much stuff!
What have we got here? Oh, your Little Bunny Rabbit
You like your Little Bunny Rabbit, don't you? Yes
There's Betsy Boo, you remember Betsy Boo, don't you? Yes
Oh, it's a pencil box, got lots of pencils in it, too

And oh, here's your panda slipper
You know how much you love your panda slippers
You never wanted them going away, did you?
Oh, it's Little Horsey, you love Little Horsey, don't you, dear?
You've got a pretty good... you have
Oh, here's a treasure, here's old Flopsy
You want her? Oh, Charlie Bear, you want Charlie Bear...