Just, Don’t Say Goodbye. I Hate Goodbyes (She Burned her Selves in an Open Field off SR‐202. Everyone Stood Quietly and Watched the Fireworks.)

I threw my whole life into cardboard boxes
Nearly twenty years
Nearly two decades of living on foreign land
The world's different, so am I and it scares me
God damn I'm confused
I'm just trying to find a way to hold on
This world gets ever more dangerous the longer that I'm alive
I'm afraid of living here, but won't say goodbye

Ok, world
Go ahead and do your worst
Because I won't comply
I don't know if we'll ever really get better
All I know is that it's careless not to try

I've had this dream hеre so many times
I'm eighteen or somеthing
Somewhere outside our house
Right next to a bright red corvette drop-top
And I look like a 60s French model
And I get in the car and I turn it on
And I just start driving and I don't stop
I just start leaving home

There's power in depiction of a memory
Everything I've said is just my point of view
But fuck it, I've been told my memory's wrong
More times than I can count
After a while, it all just started to break down
Now I can't remember anything important
From any of the years that you were around
And I know you're not wholly to blame
But you were all that I had
And you betrayed me so many times I'll never trust again
Stop pretending I didn't want to run away
Every day I spent living in your company

Don't wait ahead, 'cause I'm leaving town
Need to get the hell out of here
Nothing's here for me but my job, and my family
And the people who deadname me 'cause they haven't seen me in years
I don't wanna be leaving town
Without saying goodbye
But you know that I hate goodbyes, like I'm some kind of rogue Texan
So I'll just say that I forget you

Ok, world
Go ahead and do your worst
Because I just did mine
Now, that I've found you
You're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago
Take care of every piece of fragmentation that still persists in mind

So go ahead and call me crazy again
Go ahead and call us insane
Go ahead and call me a faggot, a tranny, a schizo
Use all of your hexes against me
Go ahead and call the police on me
Like all the times you threatened you'd do
When we were simply having a breakdown and screaming and crying
And doing things all autistic kids do
I locked myself in my room again
This time we will not come out
Even when you were screaming out my true name
Banging on the door
Making me feel ashamed
Swear I'll never touch cigarettes again
This time I wanna stay clean
This time we wanna not panic
Not get so neurotic
Not feel like we're only ever to blame

Maybe this plane ain't as bad as it seems
Maybe this world's not forsaken
Maybe your species will actually live through
Your world crumbling all around from the shit that you've been
Maybe this isn't over
Maybe this timeline's not doomed
Perhaps, oh, the end isn't nigh
Or just now, it's quite a ways off
And you've made vaporware of it too
Maybe someday we'll forgive you for real
And maybe someday you'll deserve it
Maybe someday we'll have listed out everything fucked up
That you ever did to deserve this estrangement

Maybe this world's as bad as it seems
And maybe this world is forsaken
I don't think I really care anymore
I've got nothing to lose
And I know that for sure, cause' the end happens all of the time

Ok, world
Go ahead and do your worst
Because I just did mine
I've been so lost and led astray
By everything that broke me up
But now I feel alive
It felt like we'd never be happy again
Until we cut those ties
When I was fourteen, I had zero hope left
I would look in the mirror until I could shed a tear
Stare at the ugliness plastered upon us
My face says it all
My face says it all
I can't feel
(The world's gonna turn against us)
I can't feel, I can't feel, I can't feel
(The world's already against us)
We can't feel, we can't feel, we can't feel anything at all
Cave my own face in
Trying to prove to myself that I'm not just some hollow shell
Are we already in hell?