Life as a Father

Let me tell you what is new in my life
Several months ago I became a father for the very first time
Little girl
Thank you

Well my wife, now we tried for this for a long time
Though to be honest I think I was trying
A lot harder than she was a lot of nights
I tell you my wife, bless her heart, she was in labor for 36 hours too
Which is bad enough but to hear her tell it, it gets worse every time
Like, "Honey, I don't remember the
Firemen bringing the jaws of life in

You didn't have more stitches than
Buford Pusser, don't tell them that"

And everywhere I go people keep asking
Me did we videotape the delivery
No we did not
Got some nice footage of the conception
But nothing on the delivery there

I mean why would anybody want to film this?
Somebody said, "Well it's such a beautiful moment"
You know, and I have seen the film
To me it looks like a wet Saint Bernard
Trying to come in through the cat door

I think any guy that films his wife giving birth
She ought to be able to film his hemorrhoid surgery later on
"Look girls, here's Tony fully dilated
What a trooper he was"

Anybody know the shortest time women stay in the
Hospital now after giving birth if nothing goes wrong?
Anybody know?
Less than a day, six hours
Six hours, it takes longer to make chili in the crock pot
That is a tough woman
"Woo!
Grab the kid Randy, I got wash to do, let's go"

And I'm not making this up
We took a Lamaze class
During the class the teacher told the whole group
She goes, "Now after your wife's water breaks, do not have sex"
I raised my hand, I said, "Is this really a problem?
That's a sensitive husband, isn't it?
So just how far apart are the contractions there, sweet thing?
Seem like a shame to waste this semi-private room"
See and they wouldn't tell you that unless somebody had done it
That's what bothers me

I learned a lot about babies in the past few months too
Do you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
You put on something from the cleaners
They're gonna spit up just like that
My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard
And you play with them too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer
I like to shake my daughter up then hand her to people I don't like
"Hold her just a minute, would you?"

I tell you this, I have learned this too
You have got to change those diapers every day
You do, when it says 6 to 12 pounds on the side of the Pampers box
They're not lying, that is all those things will hold
And changing a diaper is a lot like opening
A birthday present from your grandmother
You never know what's inside but you're
Pretty sure you're not gonna like it
They never seem to bother my wife
She's always like, "Oh look, that's not bad at all"

Like, "Oh honey, you need a nap real bad"
That's part of being a mom
Moms will clean up anything
Scientists have proven a mother's spit is
The exact chemical composition as Formula 409
Do you know that?
Mom's spit on a Kleenex, you can get
Rust off a car bumper with that thing
And there ain't ever been a mess too nasty for a mom to clean up

Like remember back when you were in school
You'd come home one day and you'd see
Something on the dining room floor
And you were like, "Oh gross
Let's pretend we didn't see it, let mom clean it up
Ooh, Sparky ate a bird"

And your mom would clean it up
Moms will clean up stuff that would gag the Roto-Rooter man
Sewage shooting out of the toilet
Everybody else is in the yard, mom's got a mop
"Singing in the rain, I'm singing in the rain"

We went to visit my mom a couple weeks ago
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright
Because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan
I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic"

I mean not that I don't think my daughter's bright
It's just every parent thinks their kids are smart
You know, you never visit people and hear them say
"Hey, come in here and look at little Tommy
He is dumb as a brick, boy
Turn on the light, he won't even know
Turn the light on
He just sit there all day long cross-eyed and drooling
Just like his mama, ain't he?"

I have a cousin
She thinks her oldest child is gonna be the next Einstein
Because now this kid stands out in their yard and goes
"Airplane, airplane"
I'm like, "Well hell, he's 14 years old, you know
I don't want to break your heart but he's
Gonna have a job with his name on his shirt"
Couple people going, "Wait a damn minute here"

I am glad my daughter's cute
I worried about that
'Cause there ain't nothing worse than people that
Have ugly kids and don't know itThey're always the
First ones to whip those pictures on you at work too
You're like, "Shit! I haven't had coffee yet
Don't ever do that again. What is this?"

My wife and I, we have friends, they have
The ugliest child you have ever seen
They walked out of the pet store with this boy and the alarm went off
"You're gonna have to pay for that."

"We had him when we came in here."

We just paid somebody to childproof our house, have you heard of this?
Now you have to put latches on your drawers and
Cabinets so your children can't hurt themselves
Boy, I remember when I was a kid, my parents
Had a 900 pound television on top of a TV tray
My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it
On his head a few times, he'll learn"
"Oh, you wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out
Oh, hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."

I guess we all reach that age
Like I remember in high school, a couple times during the
Year my mom would have to take me to school in the morning
She'd have on her car coat over her nightgown, curlers in the hair
I'm like, "Mom, stop right here, I'll cut through the woods
Alright? It's only 14 miles, nothing on a morning like this

You go straight home, just don't tell anybody you're my mom."

And as much as you love your parents, they
Can always embarrass you, all your life
Especially the way they dress

See, 'cause I have a theory, I think your parents
Are riding along on the fashion train and one day
They go, "That's it, I ain't going any further."

True story, last year I'm in the grocery store with my dad
He is wearing a pair of platform-heeled dingo boots
White flare-leg Levi's that only miss the floor by 10 or 12 inches
And a skin-tight "Over 40 and Feeling Foxy" t-shirt
I'm like, "Dad, people are staring at you."
"Well, son, there's something about a dingo, man."

Boy, I remember when you were growing up and you
First found out what sex was all about and you couldn't
Imagine your parents doing that with each other
That was a gross thought, wasn't it?
I never could picture my mother screaming
"Give it up, you pot-bellied stallion!"
Mom hates that joke too
First time she ever heard that she was so mad, she
Said, "Your father used to be an attractive man."
I said, "Yeah, Godzilla used to be a little bitty lizard too."

Somebody has said, "How could you even bring
A child into the world as bad as things are?"
Which I don't think that's fair, I think
There's lots of ways kids today have it made
Like if they don't like what's on television
Kids now have what, 40, 50 channels to choose from?
Remember how many channels we had when we were kids? Three!
And if the president was on, your night was shot, dude
"The president's on! He's on every channel! We're gonna miss Flipper!"