Every Public Restroom In America

And my son is ten and his quest in life is to go to the bathroom in

Every public restroom in America. I swear to you, I don't know where

He gets it. 'Cause when I was his age, I would never go in a public

Restroom. Unless it was a medical emergency would I go in a public

Restroom. Not my son. Oh dear God, we're not in a restaurant thirty

Seconds. "Dad, gotta poop!" "We just got here!" "Gotta poop!" And

He doesn't just go in there and do his business. Oh no, he's in
There whistling and if somebody gets in the stall next to him, "
Hey, are you poopin' too?" And if I ever find out who told my son
This, I will kill 'em. Somebody apparently told my son there's a
Wiener thief out there and if he takes his hand off it, they gonna
Snatch it away. His hand doesn't leave his pants! I swear to God
He comes down to breakfast in his underwear. It's jammed in there
I'm like, "Hey, hey, hey! You look like granddaddy now, knock it off!
" He's gonna wear it off, I swear. It's like his own personal worry
Stone, you know, he just... And can procrastinate more than any kid

I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower
It can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start
Running. Do you got one like it? 'Cause he gets up in his bath, he
Has to go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go
I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-
Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it and Legos. And one night I

Told him to go take a shower and I didn't hear the water running for
About an hour and I said, "That is it." And I went upstairs
And I walked in his room and I heard this boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom. And I looked around the corner of the bathroom
And he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going
Shakey boom boom. And I let it go for about ten seconds
And went, "Shake it, boy! We don't naked dance anymore."