Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and well-
Welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive disorder
Press one repeatedly

If you are codependent
Please ask someone to press two for you

If you have multiple personality syndrome
Press three, four, five, and six

If you are paranoid
We know who you are and what you want
Stay on the line so we can trace your call

If you are delusional
Press seven and your call will be transferred to the mothership

If you are schizophrenic
Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press

If you are manic depressive
It doesn't matter which number you press
No one will answer

If you are dyslexic
Press nine six
Nine six, nine six, nine six, nine six, nine six, nine six

If you have a nervous disorder
Please fidget with the hash until a representative comes on the line

If you have amnesia
Press eight and state your name
Address, phone number, date of birth, social security number
And your mother's and grandmother's maiden names

If you have post traumatic stress disorder
Slowly and carefully press zero, zero, zero

If you have bi polar disorder
Please leave a message after the beep
Or before the beep
Or after the beep
Please wait for the beep

If you have short term memory loss
Please try again later

If you have low self esteem
Please hang up

All our operators are far to busy to talk to you
So fuck off