This CD Is In Stores
๐ต 2337 characters
โฑ๏ธ 3:40 duration
๐ ID: 3746440
๐ Lyrics
*Random Announcer Dude*โ Please welcome Mitch Hedberg!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, yeah, have they,
Have they told you enough, that, uhh, we're recording a CD?
So you might pick it up and not recognize your laugh?
You won't even wanna buy it,
Because you've already seen it, so, this is not the target market.
I have an old CD, see, this one will be in stores,
The only way I could get my old CD into a
Store is if I would take one in and leave it.
They say, "Sir, you forgot this.
" "No I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
Ahh man, I can't tell you what hotel I'm
Staying at, but there are two trees involved.
They said, "Let's call this hotel something-Tree."
So they had a meeting. It was, it was quite short. "Well,
How 'bout Tree?" "No." "Double Tree?" "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!"
I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree. Well, we were almost there.
I got, I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door,
It says Do Not Disturb. It's time we go with Don't Disturb.
It's been Do Not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction.
Don't Disturb. Do Not psyches you out. "Do." "Alright,
I get to disturb this guy." "Not." "Shit! I need to read faster!"
I like to wear Do Not Disturb signs around my neck
So that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes.
Say, "Hey, how you doing, nephew?
" "Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
I met the girl who works at the Double Tree
Front desk, she gave me her phone number. Its 0.
I tried to call her from here,
Some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older!"
My hotel doesn't have a thirteenth floor, because of superstition,
But come on man,
People of the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on.
"What room are you in?" "1401.
" "No you're not! Jump out the window, you will die earlier!"
Because thirteen's the unlucky number, right, well then,
So should the letter B be,
Cuz B looks like a scrunched-together thirteen.
"Hello, what is your name?" "Bob." "Get the fuck away!"
If thirteen's unlucky,
Then twelve and fourteen are guilty by association.
"I saw you, Twelve, you were hanging out with Thirteen.
" "No I wasn't, I was with Eleven.
" "You talk to Fourteen about that shit."
"What you got to say, Fourteen?
" "Me divided by two equals seven...
Alright, I was with Thirteen, shit."
Hahah, maybe they can add some laughs to that joke.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, yeah, have they,
Have they told you enough, that, uhh, we're recording a CD?
So you might pick it up and not recognize your laugh?
You won't even wanna buy it,
Because you've already seen it, so, this is not the target market.
I have an old CD, see, this one will be in stores,
The only way I could get my old CD into a
Store is if I would take one in and leave it.
They say, "Sir, you forgot this.
" "No I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
Ahh man, I can't tell you what hotel I'm
Staying at, but there are two trees involved.
They said, "Let's call this hotel something-Tree."
So they had a meeting. It was, it was quite short. "Well,
How 'bout Tree?" "No." "Double Tree?" "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!"
I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree. Well, we were almost there.
I got, I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door,
It says Do Not Disturb. It's time we go with Don't Disturb.
It's been Do Not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction.
Don't Disturb. Do Not psyches you out. "Do." "Alright,
I get to disturb this guy." "Not." "Shit! I need to read faster!"
I like to wear Do Not Disturb signs around my neck
So that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes.
Say, "Hey, how you doing, nephew?
" "Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
I met the girl who works at the Double Tree
Front desk, she gave me her phone number. Its 0.
I tried to call her from here,
Some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older!"
My hotel doesn't have a thirteenth floor, because of superstition,
But come on man,
People of the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on.
"What room are you in?" "1401.
" "No you're not! Jump out the window, you will die earlier!"
Because thirteen's the unlucky number, right, well then,
So should the letter B be,
Cuz B looks like a scrunched-together thirteen.
"Hello, what is your name?" "Bob." "Get the fuck away!"
If thirteen's unlucky,
Then twelve and fourteen are guilty by association.
"I saw you, Twelve, you were hanging out with Thirteen.
" "No I wasn't, I was with Eleven.
" "You talk to Fourteen about that shit."
"What you got to say, Fourteen?
" "Me divided by two equals seven...
Alright, I was with Thirteen, shit."
Hahah, maybe they can add some laughs to that joke.