Buy My Snake Oil

(Ow!
Hello baby
Can you say plane crash? hee-hee)

Gettin' tired of being legendary and broke
And I'm too damn weird, to hold no straight job
My checkbook's feeling unfulfilled
Being the old, underground die hard
Won't pay the kids dental bills

My dad says I've got to learn to compromise
So I've figured now's about that time
Now that I've run out of things to say
That will only make my music pay
Ahh

Buy my snake oil
I use to be so angry
I ain't getting any younger
Now I'm eager to please

C'mon and buy my snake oil
'Til my well runs stinkin' dry
I'll be your Rondo Hatton
I'll be your D'wight Frye

Get mighty jealous
Watching my old roommates getting signed
The world owes me a-living
I want my taste of the pie

Woah, Woah
My snake oil
Yeah!

Meet my new band
Tits, Ass, and Money!
The most deliberately, watered down, meaningless music
I have ever made
Sing about myself instead of what's going on
Company tells me how my records should sound
I'll do anything my manager tells me to
Every inch a rocking new

Random shuffling same old cards
Bring on the night she done me wrong
I love my weenie and I love my car
Man it's such hell being a star
I'll tour 'til you wish I'd go home
Moan about life on the road
Two-hundred overdubs to sound sincere
From now on every album sleeve's
A great big picture, of me

Buy my snake oil
Critics cheer how I've matured
Got top management behind me man
Phone rings like never before

"I grew up on your stuff man
It means so much to me
I can hear it jingling' now
In commercials selling beer"

I got wiggle girl videos, in heavy rotation
If I dye my skin white enough
I'll buy me the Elephant Man

Woah, Woah
Woah, My snake oil

And remember you get what you pay for
That's right

And if that doesn't work
I've got another idea
Now that I've signed on the dotted line
They'll call my music alternative
Same word those same lovely people used
To hype The Knack in 1980

Join the college dollar emo jangle
Spoiled white music, for spoiled white people
Pat those slackers on the head
To stroke and profit off their fears

"Yeah man, its okay
Feel sorry for yourself all day
Life sucks 'cause it ain't easy
Happiness should be handed to me"

Oh, Buy my snake oil
Cleansed of vision and sense
I'd bet your bottom dollar
You'll let me get away with this

I'll be your pregnant junkie
Help you sell cigarettes
Or a lonely tortured muscle hunk
That no one understands
Punk without rebellion
We'll call it grunge for you
I'll dress just like Don Henley
And sing just like him too

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Down by the stream where my baby left me
I stand in my flannel shirt looking confused
A voice in the bushes says
"You got that look
I'm from Geffen records
How'd you like a million bucks?"

Oh, poor pitiful me
Born white in the world's richest country
I can't have my way life is so, depressing
Nothing's as important as me, and my girl

Oh, Wee-oo!
And if that still doesn't work
I got another idea

Give in
Ride the punk nostalgia wave for all it's worth
Recycle the name of my old band for endless reunion tours
Sing all those hits from the good ol' days
'Bout how bad the good ol' days were

And the orthodox, fundamentalist faction of the crowd will say
"Hooray!
How politically correct
He's quit trying different ideas at last
Obeying the same kind of stodgy rules
Punk used to rebel against!"

Oh, Buy my snake oil
This is all I've got to say
Unless this is your radio
Looks like you already have

Yeah, keep on buyin' my snake oil
'Til my well runs stinking dry
I'll stay your institution
Until the day I die
Who cares if inspirations gone
It's safe in this here stall
I'll give the fans just what they want
And nothing else at all

Oh, Buy
My snake oil
Oh
Buy, buy, buy, b-b-buy buy buy
My snake oil

And remember
I did it all for the scene