Shopper's Paradise

(Elevator going up)

Ground floor, Shoppers' Paradise
Habit-dashery, needles, spoons and knives
Knuckle-dusters, glass jaws and wooden hearts
Spend your money, girls, on sprays and lipsticks
Tested on bunnies, girls, strays and misfits
Ozone-friendly rape alarms
For those blinding dates
Another summer of hate

It's the top shop for the tired and rundown
Going up for the final comedown
First and second floors, third and fourth world wars
We've got a free pair of flares
With every hip replacement
Just take the stairs to the bargain basement
Babies' bottles full of the milk of human kindness

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
The big shop is open it's a wonderful world

Top floor, Shoppers' Paradise
We've got a drunk Father Christmas and The Antichrist
There's nothing of value, there's no V.A.T.
We're going S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G
We take Visa, Access, American Express
Patched-up, hand-me-down, second to next best
Clothes for all ages, mothers and babies

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
The big shop is open, it's a wonderful world
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
The big shop is open, it's a wonderful world

Going down for all the things you missed
All the love, peace and happiness that don't exist
We've got enpsychopaedias, we've got pick 'n' fix
We've got a government freezer full of benefits
A children's assortment, we're bigger than Hamleys
Cabbage Patch orphans from Sylvanian Families
Carpets, Iinoleum, holy petroleum
Chemi-kaze killers, little Hitlers and Napoleons
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
The big shop is open and the world is wonderful

(I used to think money was everything
If you've got money, I used to say
You could have beautiful birds, handsome suits, a car of your own
But those things aren't a bit of use without your good health)
Wonderful
Wonderful
Wonderful

(Shoplifters will be prosecuted
Hung, drawn, quartered and then executed
Armageddon, come and meet your maker
Three steps to Heaven on the escalator
Signing his good book in hardback and in paperback)