What a Fowl Day (A Cappella)

Here, we see the common domestic goose
Anser cygnoides domesticus
Found across the British countryside
It is known for its distinctive call
Proud, majestic stature
And being an all-round inconsiderate little git

Who's this? The true prince of nuisance
Cruise in! Whoops, you're going to need a new fence
Abusing the humans for my amusement
Since I hatched — and every afternoon since

You can look for clues, but you won't see any boot prints
Doesn't take a sleuth to deduce just who's been
Brewing up a feud with a borough full of rubes
Yes, I'm coming home to roost and they're gonna need some tutoring

You can try to shoo me, but I'm a tad a imprudent
This community is soon to see some new goosy improvements
All your property? Yes, it belongs to me
Oh, I see, you disagree! Whoops, it's ruined!

I waddle on to the allotments, squat in the shallots
Then make off with half the plot while you're not watching
Popped in for another gobble of your stocks
Then I'm off to see the shops and you wonder where your crops went

Run off with your onions, pluck a couple pumpkins
I don't even eat 'em, I just steal 'em and I dump them
Nothing's more fun than befuddling a bumpkin
Huddled in the shrubbery while smuggling your luncheon

Didn't knock, I just had to grab a quick fix
Leave it unlocked, I'll be back for cabbage picnic
Pick & Mix, picking on a scared kid
Mixing up his glasses, on his arse, while I scarper with his airfix

What a foul day
Wasted again chasing waterfowl away
We've had it up to here and we're all about to break
Living in fear of the terror from the lake

What a foul day
Wasted again chasing waterfowl away
We'd stuff him full of sage in the oven on a tray
But the RSPCA say the bugger has to stay
So we suffer through the fate of another fowl day

Hear the honkety-honk
As I topple over buckets and they drop and they bonk
On the noggins of plonkers who thought they could conquer me
Want an apology? Tough luck, I'm off with your crockery!

I do beg your pardon; I think you're in my garden
I've decided that it is, so please, don't be disheartened
It's survival of the fittest and it harkens back to Darwin
I thought that we were British! Don't you have a lip to harden?

"He stole the keys to the gate, put my rake in the lake
Made me crush my thumb and upped and ran away!"
"He wrecked my roses!" "And broke my vase!"
"Locked me in the garage, ravaging the marketplace!"

"Banned from the pub for messing with the punters!"
"Made off with my harmonica and left me on my bum!"
"The big, scary bird scared me off with a quack
Stole my plane, made me pay the shop lady for it back!"

I care not for fences, I'm on the offensive
A feathery devil, who revels in senseless attempts
At upending your endlessly friendly pretences
Your tempers expended — oops, was that expensive?

None of it's hateful, you ought to be grateful
A face-off with nature is basically staple
Of countryside living, that's just what I'm bringing
Occasional chaos, but awfully tasteful

What a foul day
Wasted again chasing waterfowl away
We've had it up to here and we're all about to break
Living in fear of the terror from the lake

What a foul day
Wasted again chasing waterfowl away
We'd stuff him full of sage in the oven on a tray
But the RSPCA say the bugger has to stay
So we suffer through the fate of another fowl day

I'm sticking my neck out and setting the borders
A little respect for the new pecking order
You call me a hoarder! A menace! A thief!
Have you thought that I'm all that you've got for relief?

From the boredom ensured by a rural existence
Of thickets and cricket and picnic subsistence
To call me sadistic is far too simplistic
I'm twisted, but only to give you assistance

They've all got it in for me, living in infamy
Mischief's my gift at the cost of your dignity
Every day's a fight with the stick that I'm given
I say it's only right that you give me that ribbon