Lil Dicky – Jail (Part 1) (Bonus Track) [Official Lyric Video]

[00:07.86] On stage rappin' (ugh)
[00:10.01] Ain't shit to me, I'm a rapper, that's what I do (hey)
[00:11.99] Young Dave snappin' (woo)
[00:13.95] The crowd seem to fuck with me and I like 'em, too
[00:15.68] Ordinarily, I might joke around on the stage (ya)
[00:17.89] Funny motherfucker, class clown, 12th grade
[00:19.75] Sometimes I might overstep my boundaries (hm)
[00:21.54] Do some weird shit, believe in the art of the joke (ya)
[00:24.24] In this case, I was like, "Ay, y'all a great crowd
[00:26.44] So as a reward, do you wanna see my dick?"
[00:27.94] Crowd went wild, now I'm kinda torn
[00:29.68] Mid-show soft dick, is my worst soft dick
[00:31.44] I'm a moron (ya)
[00:32.51] "Show your dick, show your dick!"
[00:34.38] Whole crowd chants (shit)
[00:35.22] I'm like, "I can't, but what 'bout nuts?" (ya)
[00:36.72] People erupt, whipped out the nuts, cheers
[00:39.84] Off stage, head up to the dressin' room
[00:41.16] Five cops waitin' in my dressin' room
[00:42.77] Goddamn D, you blowin' up
[00:44.29] Look at how they beefin' up the security (ayy)
[00:45.88] I was like, "Officers, I'll be okay" (ya)
[00:47.62] One cop said, "Sir, you're under arrest" (ha)
[00:49.62] I laughed in jest
[00:50.78] Assumed he was just showin' off for his cop friends
[00:52.78] Opened some Chex Mix
[00:53.70] "Sir, I'm gonna need you to put on these cuffs"
[00:55.40] I'm like, "What?"
[00:56.36] "Sir, you just exposed yourself at an all-ages show nonetheless"
[00:59.03] "Wait, you talkin' 'bout showing nuts?
[01:00.06] ("Sir") that's like a common joke
[01:01.42] You never just pull out a ball with your friends or
[01:03.45] ("Sir") Never?
[01:04.15] "Sir, please put on these cuffs"
[01:05.18] "Wait, stop, no, this is actually happenin'?"
[01:07.27] ("Sir") "Wait, this is unfair
[01:08.46] ("Sir") I'm sorry, I swear!
[01:09.57] ("Sir") Please hear my out"
[01:10.76] "Sir, you're going to jail"
[01:12.82] I'm like, "Jail?"
[01:14.81] He like, "Yeah!"
[01:16.85] I'm like, "Jail?"
[01:19.14] Yeah!
[01:20.48] Booked, bail
[01:22.15] Pay it, scared (this is crazy)
[01:24.09] Months pass, trial (real trial)
[01:26.22] 45 parents press charges (oh)
[01:28.28] I got a DUI in college (stupid)
[01:30.13] This was not my first offense (oh, my God)
[01:32.08] Children were cryin' on the stand (stand)
[01:34.25] Probably the dorks of their class (you're a loser)
[01:36.43] Now it's the day of my reckonin'
[01:38.37] They 'bout to give me my sentencin'
[01:40.47] Can't even breathe and I'm tremblin'
[01:42.25] The jury arrived at a verdict (guilty)
[01:44.86] I thought I misheard it (guilty)
[01:46.36] Mama Burd goin' berserk (my son!)
[01:48.45] Wait, you said two years, Your Honor? (Yes)
[01:50.46] On the bus to Chuckawalla
[01:52.12] They got me chained to Roberto
[01:54.29] Tat on his face he was fidgety
[01:56.13] Shook as can be as we pullin' in (hm)
[01:58.15] They take my picture, unchain me
[01:59.64] They give me my state I.D (thanks)
[02:01.28] Then they took me to a room and told me to "spread your cheeks" (ewww)
[02:04.03] I was like, "Like this?" (like this?)
[02:06.22] They like, "Yeah, but rake your nuts
[02:08.04] "Rake, rake my nuts?
[02:09.80] Like pull 'em up? Yes, oh, okay"
[02:12.38] They made me squat and cough (ah, ah)
[02:13.98] Standard procedure, I'm with it (it's cool)
[02:16.22] After I finished, I had a minute with the guard
[02:18.53] Say to him, "Sir, I know this is bizarre
[02:20.52] But the whole rape thing, is it, like, real?
[02:22.71] Is it actually a thing in jail? Or?"
[02:24.79] He like, "Yeah"
[02:26.91] I'm like, "Yeah?" (it really happens?)
[02:28.93] He like, "Yeah" (isn't it your job to protect people?)
[02:31.37] Gettin' walked to my cell (we got a white boy)
[02:33.85] Walkin' through jail (woo, woo, woo, woo, yeah!)
[02:35.83] Shit is like hell (you dead, you dead)
[02:37.72] It's just like the movies (gettin' fucked!)
[02:39.18] Screamin' and hollerin', hootin' (fresh meat!)
[02:41.19] A black guy said, "I'll break your back!" (on your back now)
[02:43.20] Hispanic guy ask, "What that mouth like?" (I'ma need that)
[02:45.13] A neo-Nazi just smiles (hmm)
[02:47.16] We get to my cell
[02:49.56] Got a cellmate named Raheem (hi, I'm Dave)
[02:51.79] Good dude, wonder why he in (I'm Raheem)
[02:53.62] Then he asked me what I even did (what'd you do?)
[02:55.68] I explained the whole thing (yeah)
[02:56.78] Was performin' (yeah)
[02:57.86] Showed my nuts (huh?)
[02:58.83] Totally innocent, like
[03:00.43] Well, I did it, but it was an innocent act
[03:02.74] It's not a big deal
[03:03.67] Now I'm here in Chuckawalla for two years
[03:05.95] For exposin' myself to minors
[03:07.59] "Whoa, whoa, you a pedophile?" Raheem said
[03:09.58] No, I'm not a pedophile, you just heard the story
[03:10.93] Okay, okay, okay, you cannot let anyone know this
[03:13.66] Why? It's not a big-
[03:14.30] If they find out, then it's over
[03:15.77] Over? You raped, dead, maybe
[03:17.68] Raped, dead? Let's just think of solutions instead
[03:19.31] Raped, dead?
[03:20.07] In here, there's the blacks and the Mexicans
[03:21.90] Well, what about those white supremacists? (Heh)
[03:23.75] They see that you're Jewish it's evident (it's evident? What does)
[03:26.54] The Blacks and the Mexicans don't have inherent hatred for you (true)
[03:29.45] You gotta pick one of them for protection (who?)
[03:31.67] The Blacks or the Mexicans? (Yes)
[03:33.27] Uh, I mean, I guess I'll go Blacks, right?
[03:35.54] Blacks (okay)
[03:36.37] I just don't know much about Mexicans (I hear you)
[03:37.57] Like, at home I would hang out with Blacks (go with Blacks then)
[03:40.48] Well, how do they know I'm with Blacks?
[03:41.73] Like, how do I refer to it?
[03:43.53] Do I say "Blacks"? (You won't have to say)
[03:45.08] I feel like it'd be weird if I said, "I'm with the blacks" (it's not like that)
[03:48.36] How is it referred to?
[03:49.32] Don't worry, I'll make sure that everyone knows you're with us
[03:51.67] Three o'clock rec ball
[03:53.22] Pretty solid courts, real good runs
[03:55.16] Watched on the sidelines, didn't try to run
[03:57.30] Callin' for next would be callin' for death
[03:59.27] Real good black dude roll his ankle (ugh)
[04:01.23] Mexican guy on the side says, "Ay, carumbo"
[04:03.56] Now there's a squad, that's only got four players
[04:05.76] And in jail the other team picks his replacement
[04:07.61] They look around and my heart started racin'
[04:09.69] One guy is beelinin' straight up at David
[04:11.73] 'Cause they probably think I'm a horrible player
[04:13.72] They like, "All right, take this white, skinny bitch"
[04:15.67] Little did they know I'm a bad motherfucker on the court
[04:18.12] First play hit 'em with a cross, up-fake
[04:20.13] Next play, wide open three, like, wet
[04:22.74] The yard takin' notice (yo)
[04:23.84] I take a charge, but they don't even notice (bro)
[04:25.69] Don't leave him open, his jumper is potent (ha)
[04:27.70] Pat on the back, feel like a black
[04:29.99] Dap, dap, dap
[04:31.06] All the sudden, a Mexican guy walks on the court and says
[04:33.87] "Stop the game, stop the game, stop the game"
[04:36.04] Gets in my face
[04:37.34] Says, "You know what he did?"
[04:39.04] Everyone's frozen in place
[04:40.72] "You know what he did? (What'd he do? What'd he do?)
[04:42.87] He raped some kids"
[04:43.78] "Whoa, whoa, whoa, not true!", I said
[04:45.70] He said, "One was my niece!"
[04:46.44] Hold on, I can explain, I'm a rapper
[04:48.30] I was on stage (you ain't no motherfuckin' rapper)
[04:50.97] Yes, I am (we gon' rape you)
[04:52.46] No, I am a rapper
[04:53.57] I'll spit, you want me to spit?
[04:55.17] I'll fucking spit, I'll-
[04:56.03] You 'bout to get fucked, pendejo!
[04:57.60] Listen, my dick sucks, my dick sucks
[04:59.53] Uh, that's just a hook
[05:00.60] Remember the name, Don Quixote
[05:03.22] That's the guy that will fuck you later
[05:04.63] Okay, chismoso? (Hahaha)
[05:06.55] Then he walked away
[05:07.64] I tried to play it cool, I'm like, "Back to the game"
[05:09.71] Punched in the back (ah)
[05:10.87] Thrown off the court
[05:11.38] I'm like, "I'm with the Blacks!" (that made it worse)
[05:13.46] Smack! Smack! Smack!
[05:14.99] I'm like, "I didn't rape no kids, I just showed my sack
[05:17.77] You never did that, like, with your friends?" (Fuck nah, pussy)
[05:20.96] "It was just a joke!
[05:21.38] I believe in the art of the joke (that don't sound very funny)
[05:23.74] Yeah, but you should've seen it, it worked
[05:25.42] They laughed, the joke was successful"
[05:26.92] They whipped my ass, (pa pa)
[05:28.98] Now I'm not with the Blacks (you ain't Black)
[05:31.07] Lick my wounds in my cell (eh hu)
[05:33.04] Tell Raheem all the facts (this guy walked on the court)
[05:35.06] He like, "Oh, no! Don Quixote? (yeah)
[05:37.35] That's the most dangerous Mexican (really?)
[05:39.04] And now all the Blacks not protectin' you
[05:40.60] Yeah, no shit, and by the way
[05:42.26] They didn't take kindly to me sayin' I was with the Blacks
[05:44.21] Well, now
[05:46.27] Now everyone's got the green light (green light)
[05:48.33] I wish I could make it be right (Raheem)
[05:50.08] You're definitely gonna get raped (raped, dead?)
[05:52.11] If I were you, I'd learn to fight
[05:53.64] I can't fight, I'd lose every fight
[05:55.92] Instead of fightin' back
[05:57.01] What if I offer, like, willin' head?
[06:00.56] Willing head?"
[06:02.76] I'm like, "Yeah"
[06:04.55] Willing head? Yeah
[06:08.31] Think about it
[06:09.67] Nobody wants a fight (that's not true)
[06:11.42] I would much rather give consensual head
[06:13.59] Than get fucked up my ass and die
[06:15.83] Well, it's not gon' be an option like that
[06:17.32] No, no, hear me out
[06:18.47] What if one day up in the caf' I stuck a paper on the wall? (A paper?)
[06:21.89] Yeah, a sign-up sheet (a sign-up sheet?)
[06:24.90] Yeah, with time slots (what? Time slots?)
[06:29.31] Yeah, for head
[06:30.82] You know, if you, if you don't rape me
[06:32.32] I'll give you the best head you'll ever get in jail
[06:35.20] And I'll be such a joy, so pleasant
[06:37.89] What a great companion I could be (I don't think)
[06:39.76] This is so smart (uh)
[06:41.16] Yeah! (Uh)
[06:42.54] Then word would get around about the head
[06:44.71] And everybody would start to realize
[06:46.77] The second I'm raped, that the head off the table
[06:48.61] Better than anal
[06:49.82] The brothers would kill for this shit, Cain and Abel
[06:51.44] You're not gon' have the option like that, cuh
[06:53.94] It's, it's cool when you say, "cuh"
[06:56.11] Like cuz, but you, "cuh"
[06:58.35] Where you from, Raheem?
[07:00.18] Man, I gotta nap
[07:02.33] Oh, when you wake then
[07:03.76] Caf', tuna fish (ugh)
[07:05.95] Actually surprised because this shit fire (hmm)
[07:07.59] Usually I'm real picky with my tuna type
[07:09.82] Only like my mom's and Subway's
[07:11.26] "Did you guys know
[07:12.07] That Subway's the biggest chain in the world, over McDonald's?"
[07:15.85] No one responded
[07:18.06] Tap Raheem's shoulder, I said
[07:20.20] "Did you know that, Raheem?" (uh)
[07:22.77] He like, "What?"
[07:24.63] "That Subway's the biggest chain?
[07:25.80] Bigger than McDonald's" (no)
[07:27.77] Waking back to my cell (aye)
[07:29.55] Just me and the guard, I feel greasy (yeah)
[07:31.42] All the sudden he bail (what the fuck?)
[07:33.50] Then as I turned the corner, I saw Don Quixote (fuck)
[07:35.75] Fuck, this is it, oh, my God, Dave, you're so raped (fuck)
[07:37.61] Thought of my options, he started approachin' (oh)
[07:39.57] I'm like, "Quixote, relax. I'm open to it"
[07:42.11] Come here
[07:43.06] Kissed on his neck
[07:45.18] Licked on his ears
[07:47.59] Took off his shirt
[07:49.57] Kissed on his stomach, his chest is so bulbous
[07:51.90] But I'm playing my part (yeah)
[07:53.73] He fallin' hard (yeah)
[07:54.61] I got his heart (yeah)
[07:55.71] I get down to my knees, ayy
[07:57.58] Tease, ayy
[07:59.10] Whipped out the dick (oh, my God, so big, ah)
[08:05.85] Veins, everywhere, so many veins
[08:08.55] Off-colored dick
[08:09.55] Darker than I expected
[08:11.15] I realized in that moment
[08:12.58] I've never seen a Mexicano's dick before
[08:15.12] Spit on the dick
[08:18.72] His guard fallen
[08:20.23] Cocked his head back real slow
[08:22.08] And then said, "Ay, carumbo"
[08:24.23] Plan coming to fruition
[08:25.60] I open wide, put the tip in
[08:27.32] And I close my eyes, and pray to God and
[08:30.23] Then I bit off his dick (ay, carumbo)
[08:34.59] Spit out his dick (ugh)
[08:37.97] He fell to his knees, blood everywhere
[08:42.45] Don Quixote is dead
[08:43.09]