Poems

[00:00.30] I believe there is nothing more manly one can do
[00:01.83] Than take a shower with 5 other guys
[00:03.28] It's true, it's not a joke its early cavemen
[00:05.22] You know
[00:06.26] Cromagnum wandering through the fog
[00:07.86] You know
[00:08.56] Scrubbing 5 other sapians, no homo
[00:11.93] I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you
[00:15.06] Right now, I've got chimes
[00:16.64] Oh, a genie just came
[00:18.93] Alright
[00:19.75] Umm...
[00:23.61] Now that we're halfway through the show
[00:25.50] I'd like to sort of to take the umm...
[00:27.32] The pressure of you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry
[00:30.93] Then we'll kinda go back to the giggles
[00:32.24] This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have
[00:35.20] Or something, so I won't keep it too long
[00:37.48] In case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff
[00:39.68] But, uhh...
[00:40.25] Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry
[00:43.20] "Roses are grey
[00:44.03] Violets are a different shade of grey
[00:45.55] Let's go chase cars."
[00:46.46] That's by a dog
[00:47.76]
[00:53.59] This is a poem about women's bodies
[00:55.88] And the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them
[00:59.31] "Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon
[01:01.90] So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon
[01:04.36] And after a week, she finally emerged
[01:06.24] She smelled like shit. What a psycho."
[01:10.69] You can't transcend them, I guess that's the... moral
[01:13.99] "Me, with my strange choice of adjectives
[01:17.53] You, with your muscular teeth
[01:19.81] And your clockwise vagina"
[01:28.76] "You're incomparable, like a..."
[01:31.20] Yeah, that's the word...
[01:36.48] "I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object!
[01:39.79] I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion
[01:41.54] Mannequins by the ankles and bash your rib cage in!
[01:44.61] I wanna sharpen 50 pencils
[01:46.52] Bind them with a rubber band
[01:47.80] Stick the lead ends in your mouth and punch the erasers!
[01:51.81] I wanna strap you to a bed of nails
[01:53.63] Then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car
[01:55.10] So I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps
[01:57.23] In a mall parking lot during an earthquake!
[02:00.75] I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow
[02:03.20] Not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital"
[02:07.13] That's called "Dad"
[02:13.32] "If I had a million dollars, I'd pay your mother to have sex with me
[02:16.55] Afterwards, I'd invest in the remaining $999,990"
[02:20.52] $10 for sex with your mother!
[02:22.17] Comedy!
[02:25.81] I can see the light on your face, bitch! Stop texting!
[02:27.10] Umm...
[02:29.55] It's just a comment for someone in the crowd...
[02:31.78] It's your time, do what you want
[02:32.10] And the texting won't show on the CD
[02:34.15] So, that's okay
[02:36.25] Now look what I've done
[02:40.15] And finally...
[02:41.94] "Mid-October with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings
[02:45.74] The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions
[02:50.99] And me...
[02:52.34] Eating that pussy, baby..."
[02:53.41] Thank you so mu-
[02:54.42]
[03:01.37] Ohh man...
[03:02.32] Thank you guys so much
[03:03.13] Thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh...
[03:04.64] (Woo!)
[03:08.47] I just need one person's enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry it
[03:11.37] "Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!"
[03:13.80] Um, I, so...
[03:17.69] I-I-I-I-I am so grateful to you coming here
[03:21.32] I know I keep saying that
[03:22.03] It sounds redundant, but, uh...
[03:23.68] My gratefulness is redundant
[03:24.99] So, um...
[03:25.61]